If I Were a Magical Boy…

If I were a Magical Boy ©, I would like to be a really kawaii dude, not like those lame dorks in Cute High Earth Defense Club LOVE!.

As a wannabe Magical Boy ©, this Cute High Earth Defense Club LOVE! show makes me really mad. I am offended by its existence. These characters have no personality traits worth mentioning, except for that annoying MC dude who is the squeakier-voiced version of Nagisa from Free!. These boys are not cute! Where is the homo?

At this rate, the Magical Boy © genre will go to shit. Making the characters point out genre cliches while still playing those cliches entirely straight is the laziest form of parody. This is the main reason why Milky Holmes is no longer funny but Aldnoah.Zero is a masterpiece.

In order to redeem itself, the Magical Boy © genre needs to invent DECONSTRUCTION, which is what Madoka did four years ago when it invented anime.

The original Mahou Shonen

As we all learned from the philosopher Jacques Derrida, who invented TV Tropes, a DECONSTRUCTION means showing the audience how an anime trope would work in real life. That brings me back to the title of this post: what would I do if I were a Magical Boy ©?

No matter how I think about it, I would be a much superior Magical Boy © to any of the characters in Cute High Earth Defense Club LOVE!, whose names I have already forgotten.

If I were a Magical Boy ©, I would like to use my powers for good, or at least so that more people could see my well-crafted abs. You know what the Magical Boy © genre could do to become more fresh and interesting? Take a leaf out of Kancolle’s book. Show people’s clothes rip whenever they take damage. Please don’t be offended. My pecs are amazing.

If I were a Magical Boy ©, my eyes would be big and my heart would be pure, and I would harbour an innocent love for my cool, dark-haired senpai. One day, I hope senpai will notice me. DOKI DOKI.

I would like to wear a short skirt with pink frills because I believe beauty and aesthetics are very important things for a Magical Boy ©. I believe this is an occupation in life that must be taken seriously and pursued with passion. I see no reason why Magical Boys © should sit in a bath, cracking lame jokes centered around obscure cultural trivia.

Justice is important among Magical Boys ©. If I were a Magical Boy ©, even a satirical one, I would like my criticisms of genre and society to have a point. With the aid of my LOVE STICK, I would like to lead the way for humanity to improve and to further the expansion of the human race. LOVE IS NEVER OVER.

And finally, most importantly, I believe that I am more than capable of being yaoi shipped. I have been shipped with bloggers like Draggle and Bobduh, to name just a few. It is widely established that I am a weepy uke. And I am damned proud of it.

If I were a Magical Boy ©, the world would be a better place, or at at least a watchable anime.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but Cute High Earth Defense Club LOVE! sucks. It is interesting on paper but utterly banal in execution. Only the pink wombat is good.

Magical Boys © deserve better than this.